Shots
by CattheLion
Summary: Medic and Soldier have a slight miscommunication over Soldier getting shots. Ensemble cast, set vaguely in the world of the comics.


**AN: Let's be honest here, I'm not taking this fanfiction seriously and neither should you. It's not my best piece of writing, especially humour-wise, but I found the concept entertaining.**

As the heavy _thunks _of the footsteps started beating ever closer towards the lab door, Medic sighed deeply and scrunched the skin of his forehead together between his thumb and forefinger. He swept up the messy pile of papers that he had been working on and dumped them on the side of his desk. He turned on his heel and made his way into the centre of the room, tensely standing next to the surgical table in the middle of the room.  
He heard the booming knocks on the door, and tried to plaster a welcoming smile on his face when he heard the subsequent knocks- three, higher-pitched noises in rapid succession to make a sing-song tune.  
"Come in-" He yelled at the door, not half way through his first word before it slammed open. Soldier stood triumphantly, hands on his hips, in the doorway.  
"Good _morning_, Mr. Medic!" Soldier yelled.  
"Ja, ja, guten morgen." Medic replied with a dismissive gesture. "Now, come in, come in."

Soldier bounded over and threw himself into Medic's spinning office chair. "So, Medic, Sniper and Engie told me that you wanted to see me about some shots."  
Oh, thank goodness, Soldier knew what he was getting into.  
"Yes, well, I was looking through your medical history and it appears that you haven't had any recorded. Have you had shots before?"  
Soldier laughed uproariously and nodded enthusiastically. Medic felt his tension ease away; perhaps it wasn't going to be as hard as he had thought.  
"Excellent. Well, Soldier, please sit on that table there."  
"Why? Am I not good enough for your fancy chair?"  
"It will be easier if you sit on the table, Herr Soldier."

Sighing theatrically, Soldier stood up and left the chair spinning in his wake. Once he was seated on the table, Medic looked at him critically.  
"I assume you know the procedure. Coat off, please."  
Soldier gave Medic a surprised look. "Whoa, there, so this is how you do shots?" The doctor looked at him irritably.  
"Of course, I can't very well do anything with that fabric in the way."  
Soldier chuckled nervously. "Just so you know, I won't be taking anything more than my jacket off. Certainly not my pants, ha ha!"  
"What…? No, never mind. Just hurry up and pass me the coat please."  
He removed his coat begrudgingly and passed it to Medic, who folded it neatly, only to throw it over his shoulder onto a nearby skeleton.  
"So do you take your coat off now too, or…?"  
Medic huffed and took his lab coat off, rolling the sleeves of his blouse up. He placed his jacket over a chair to the side of the skeleton, and carefully pulled a tray of needles out a drawer in the filing cabinet.  
"Say, Medic, did you want me to get my flasks out of my coat?" Medic turned to face Soldier, looking confused. Soldier's eyes suddenly focused on the giant needle in Medic's hand. He reared back and gawped at it in horror.  
"I know, Soldier, this needle is slightly larger than average, but…"  
"_Medic_!" he shrieked. "You said that we were gonna be taking _shots_!"  
Medic gave him a bemused glance. "Ja." He tapped the glass of the needle. "Shots. Well, you're going to be taking them, I've had all of mine…"  
"_Hell no_! You know about the poisons they put in there!"  
"No, not poison. _Preventative medicine_. If you have your vaccines now, then you're less likely to get sick later on." He advanced towards the cowering man.  
"Oh, come on now, you're _older _than me. There's no need to be such a baby."  
"Don't come any closer! I handle racoons on a daily basis, and you know all the diseases that they have!"  
It was worse than he thought, but it was a little too late for Medic to get the rabies vaccine out of the tray for him. After he gave Soldier the injection for measles, that would be next.  
"Soldier, please co-operate with me."  
Scrambling away from him, Soldier grabbed one of the many bonesaws that Medic left lying around his lab. "Stay back, Medic! This thing is _pointier _than a shovel!"  
"I'm sure it is." Medic snarled through gritted teeth. "Now, are you going to let me get you vaccinated or not, Soldier?"  
His reply was a gargling wail. Medic took a moment to appreciate the fact that there was a nearly-bawling middle-aged man on his surgical table, screaming blue murder about having an injection.  
"Defence team! I require your assistance!"

All of a sudden, three burly men burst through the other infirmary door. Demoman immediately threw himself onto Soldier, rugby tackling him to the table and pinning him down, earning a few well-aimed kicks to the crotch as he grasped Soldier's arm. Heavy lumbered behind Soldier and held down Soldier's upper arms, allowing Tavish to keep a hold of his legs. Engie appeared from around the side and attempted to reason with the frantic veteran. Unbelievable.

The door behind Medic creaked open. His head whipped around and he glared at the boyish face that peeped out. Spy shouldered past Scout and adjusted his jacket, coming to stand right to the side of the spectacle that Soldier was making. He looked at Medic with a cocked eyebrow. Medic just glowered at him in response.

Better still, the other mercenaries were filtering through the door. Scout stood to the left of Medic, sniggering. Sniper took his place sitting on Medic's chair, watching quietly. Medic jumped when Pyro popped up behind him, clutching his shoulders and standing on tip-toe to get a better view.

So much for Soldier getting his injections done in private, but Medic had lost all incentive to complain and shout for everyone to get out. He just wanted the bawling man-baby to be done with so that he could finally get some peace and quiet.  
"Now, now, Soldier…" The Engineer was still trying to calm Soldier down. "These here injections, they're just some good old technology that stops you from getting sick. They won't hurt you! In fact, they do the opposite!"  
"Tell me how they work, American to American!" Soldier choked out. "They're not Nazi science, are they?"  
Sniper piped up from the corner. "You want me to get the old tranquilliser darts on him?"  
"Nein, they will neutralise the effects of the injection." Medic groaned.  
"Come _on_, Solly! They're just some stupid shots for…" Scout peered over Medic's shoulder at the needle. "German measles?"

Medic would have laughed at the purpling face of Soldier in any other situation. Instead, he just focused on giving Scout an almighty punch to the jaw that knocked him flat over.  
"Herr Soldier," he growled, failing miserably at masking his utter frustration with a shark-toothed smile. "These injections they…hm. They are very good quality American injections…" Wrong. Made in China. "They stop you from getting that disease from those…_filthy, filthy _Germans." He spat the last part out. "Isn't that good?"  
Soldier still whimpered. "Stupid Nazis. Why the Hell would they try and get all us Americans and that wimpy Frenchman and the bush guy sick with measles?"  
"Ja, ja, indeed! If you got sick with the measles, then you would never be able to fight the Blus. I hear that they're working with Hitler. _Very_ sneaky."  
Engie nodded at the stressed doctor. "You're a key member of this team, Soldier. Imagine if you got sick and couldn't fight! They would kick our cans all over the place without the powerful Soldier on our side."  
Spy couldn't supress his eye roll. Pyro pushed past Medic and produced a shiny pink lollipop from his belt, offering it to the new patient.  
"That's right, and you get a lollipop at the end of it all too!" Engie enthused. Soldier's mouth watered and he strained against his captors to get at the sweet. Medic, for the umpteenth time that day, sighed heavily.  
"Soldier, if we give you a lollipop at the end, will you have your injection done? _Bitte_?"  
The veteran nodded, and Medic glanced at Heavy and Demoman to ease their hold slightly, so Soldier could return to an upright position. Medic crept closer, zeroing in on the designated spot of muscle that he could plunge the needle into.  
Although he was trembling, Soldier stared stubbornly at the medical chart on the wall. Almost upon the his arm, Medic looked up at Soldier.  
"It's OK. Now, why don't you tell me all about our good old land of America?" he soothed. He sensed Soldier perk up, and blocked out the tirade of knowledge that Soldier was enthusiastically reciting.  
"Over thirty two billion pounds in debt? Ja, that _is _good."

The tip of the needle touched Soldier's skin.  
The noise of anguish was like no other. Demoman and Heavy struggled to keep a good grip on him, and Medic took his last opportunity to push the handle right into the muscle.  
Still screaming, Soldier tensed and Medic winced as he had to yank the needle out, leaving a good section of the tip still embedded.  
Oh well. Good enough. At least Soldier won't get the measles now.

Pyro shyly offered Soldier a lollipop, which he snatched up and chewed in relief.  
"_Goddamnit_, Medic! And I thought that only Germans were capable of being so damn cruel!"

Well.

Soldier rolled his shoulders, frowning at the mildly terrified men still clutching his underarms. "Can they let go of me now?"

Scheise.

Medic laughed nervously, and produced the second vaccine, for rabies. He acknowledged Heavy and Demoman with a knowing look, and their grip tightened.  
"Medic?"

Medic lunged.  
"_Zhaaaaannnnaaaa_!" Soldier howled.

Medic had not quite caught up to the latest developments in Soldier's love life. He looked around, bewildered, at the fearful expressions on his teammate's faces. Scout slowly started backing away, and Sniper and Spy reached for their weapons.  
"Who the Hell is-"

As if a charging bull had appeared out of thin air, the door to the infirmary burst open, and off its hinges. A seething woman stood in an aggressive stance, glowering from one Mercenary to the next. She pointed accusingly at Medic, who gulped and tried to hide the needle, before being sent into the wall by an almighty punch.  
"Go get him, Zhanna! But don't snap his neck, the rest of the team need him!"

Slumped against the wall with a raging headache and hazy vision at best, Medic righted his glasses and somehow couldn't summon the energy to get up. 'Zhanna' had punched Demoman to the ground and was drumming at the arm and chest of her brother, who had released his death grip on Soldier slightly. Scout and Spy were running out of the room, Spy cloaking as he left, and Engie lay on the floor.

Sniper was wobbling as he stood up on the chair, firing one of his tranquilliser darts. One caught Soldier in the cheek, and another hit Zhanna in the neck, but she plucked it out as though it were nothing. This prompted a bellow of fury from Heavy, who released Soldier entirely and slammed Sniper onto the floor.  
"_My sister_!"

One sloppy kiss later, the muscular woman was carrying Soldier out of the room bridal style, at a bounding run. Soldier laughed manically and, ever the mature one, gave a 'loser's salute' in goodbye to his comrades, grabbing his dirty coat from the skeleton and pulling the skull off with it.

In the aftermath, a cacophony of groaning rose and numerous stacks of paper from Medic's desk were lying trampled on the floor, or gently drifting through the air, mixing documents about doves with papers about poisonings.

Medic decided that he really didn't want to get up, and instead slid even further down the wall, in total defeat.

At least Soldier was vaccinated against German measles.

Then he remembered- one of Sniper's darts had hit Soldier in the face.


End file.
